Moments before I took the stage a few weekends ago at the Work + Family Show to speak with two other coaches and a personal stylist about how to build your personal brand from the inside out, I learned I was going to speak first, a welcome piece of news. The compere introduced us, a few jokes, smiles & giggles all around. Felt relaxed. Excited to talk to the audience. Excited to step back into a bit of my old identity. Stood up and grabbed the mic…

… and shook like a leaf. I could feel it. I could hear it.

Fear.

What does facing our fears really mean? Overcoming them? Ignoring them? Doing things in spite of them? “Feel the fear and do it anyway?” Sure, all of these, to a point. After this experience I now have a new definition. Facing our fears means being clear and honest with ourselves about what they are. Really getting to know what is at the heart of them. What are we afraid of and why? Not “why” in terms of why is the result of the imagined disaster so bad, but “why” in terms of what am I telling myself about myself that I fear might actually be true? How we get to know, recognise and work consciously with what we fear can totally change our interpretations of our success.

That night, while my husband congratulated me on a huge milestone, I was evaluating the talk, truthfully feeling really disappointed because I felt I hadn’t quite reclaimed that confident speaker bit of my old self. In an amazing moment of synchronicity, a fellow iPEC coach posted a deeply personal and extremely insightful blog about Fear at that moment. The “ping” of the iPad was a welcome distraction, and what I found in that post helped me completely re-write my interpretation of the event from “painful learning experience” to “profound success”.

During my talk earlier in the day, I had shared my view that one significant influence on how we come across in the world – how we project our personal brand – is how we interpret events. Things happen, and it’s our choice how we interpret them. Ironically, I had drawn from an example from my experience of public speaking: I had a scary moment while conducting my first training course. It was my choice whether that experience led me to either believe I should never do such a thing again, or, to recognise my potential, how much I enjoyed it, and set goals to reach my definition of success. At that time, I chose the latter, and have really loved the journey I’ve been on since making that choice.

While my husband was encouraging me to take my own advice, I was struggling this time around. I felt I’d won the mental game, felt prepared, excited, and eager to speak. But I couldn’t control my physical nervousness. I was literally shaking the whole time, let that distract me, and worried that I’d come across nervous, and – of all things – scared. I didn’t feel scared, so why did I feel I’d come across that way?

The talk at the Work + Family Show was the perfect setup:

  • A topic I’m passionate about.
  • A format I love: a panel with other coaches and a stylist and a chance to have an interactive discussion with the audience.
  • An audience I am excited to get to know.
  • Only 8 minutes to talk!
  • A complete belief in the power of conversation to spark creation.
  • Excitement about the unknown of the audience’s reactions and potential questions.
  • Stories I am eager to tell.
  • Finally a chance to speak in public, something I used to do a lot and haven’t done in awhile.

I worked with a fellow coach to write and time the talk. Practiced a lot. Rehearsed the moves. Planned the wardrobe (with a stylist there, I had to look the part!). Practiced my breathing & relaxation techniques. Coached myself through the unhelpful thoughts and created new, more helpful ones to put me in the right mindset. Talked to everyone about how great it was to get to talk on a panel. Visualised success. Dreamt about lucidity and calm. Felt confident, positive and anabolic throughout. So why – the moment I opened my mouth – was I overcome with nervousness and fear???

Since I was small, I have considered myself as shy. Reticent to speak in class. Never raised my hand. Contributed through papers, essays and exams. Once in the corporate world I was lucky to have some excellent managers who believed in me. One, who encouraged me to learn to lead the training courses I had written; another who encouraged me to “set a goal to say 1 thing in each client meeting”. Beset by my own lack of confidence, I realised I believed that everyone around me was more clever than I was, had deeper insights, could think quicker, was terribly witty. Without realising it, I believed myself when I told myself, “My ideas aren’t new”, “The moment has passed”, “They already know that”, “my experiences are not unique”, “I don’t have anything valuable to say”, “I’m not good enough”. I worked diligently and consciously to force myself into public speaking, training and facilitation. I was successful. Facilitation became one of my strongest skill sets, for which I was recognised and rewarded. Most importantly, I grew to love facilitating groups and search out the opportunity, ensuring it is a significant part of my role.

Then after two maternity leaves and five years of little need for conducting training courses, leading workshops or delivering talks, I bounced up on stage thinking all would be fine. In all my preparation for the talk, what I didn’t realise is that the core thought that had stoked that fear still existed in the back of my mind.

So of course I was nervous. Of course I was shaking. I was delivering a personal message, true and authentic. I said what I really meant, and I said it all for the first time. I delivered my story, stood on stage essentially saying: “I have something valuable to say”, which was the opposite of what that little voice in the back of my mind had been telling me. I was totally myself, made myself vulnerable and exposed – and completely in conflict with that whisper I’d been ignoring and managed to work around. No wonder I started shaking!

While I thought I had successfully overcome my fear and put it away all those years ago, the underlying messages that led to that fear hadn’t gone away at all.

Becoming conscious of the message behind the fear took the pressure off. That awareness gave me a different interpretation of “success”.

Does that lower the bar? Am I letting myself off the hook by saying, “Oh, I’m afraid so success is simply showing up”? No, because it’s how you show up that makes the difference. My high expectations are still there. What went away was the pressure to not fail. The thoughts we have and messages we deliver to ourselves determine how we show up.

I finally decided to interpret the event as successful. I was successful because I took the first step following a long break. I know what I want my goal to look like, and now I’m on the road. And I feel successful because I am again conscious of those inner messages that led to that fear, and this time around I know how I can get to the core of the confidence I want to build to become the public speaker I want to be.

So now what I believe about fear is that…

  • It’s not about ignoring or burying your fears, and then just getting on with it.
  • It’s about understanding the fear and what core thoughts are behind it.
  • It’s about consciously choosing to take action despite feeling fear, having consciously re-written destructive core thoughts.

It all comes down to WHO we are: What are those fears really about? Without letting them overtake us, how can we get to know those fears – and the thoughts driving them – so we can consciously move forward and “do it anyway” while also enjoying the learning and growing process?

Tell me:

What are you afraid of? And why?

What is the first step towards your definition of success?